by Joelle Steele
How often have you thought critically about your relationships with your family members, friends, significant others, employers, co-workers, etc.? Probably not that often. But our relationships are what make us who we are, and if those relationships aren’t working for any reason, we need to figure out what’s wrong and what to do about it, because the longer the relationship’s needs are ignored and unaddressed, the harder it will be to fix them.
It’s helpful to look into relationships more deeply to see what makes them work, what makes them dysfunctional, and what makes them harmful. Some relationships start out well, last for years, and then suddenly fall apart. Is that just because they served their purpose and are no longer viable? Or did something go wrong somewhere along the way that never got attended to? Was the relationship a healthy one to begin with? Or was it toxic and you just didn’t know it? Did the other person change? Did you change? Or did your relationship needs or your attitude towards a particular relationship change? These and many other things can cause a relationship to become strained and ultimately end. So you need to start thinking critically about any relationship that seems to be going sour and make a decision about it and find a solution to the problem.
No matter what kind of relationship is not working, remember that it is never one person’s fault alone. A relationship is not about YOU. It’s about US. Both parties are always to blame when things go wrong, even if one or both of you can’t see that. Since you should know yourself far better than you will ever know the other person, look at yourself critically. What is your role in the relationship? Are you the one who is always unhappy with the other person? Or is it the other way around? Who starts the arguments? Are they always about the same things? If so, why? Why haven’t you BOTH fixed that problem?
Do you listen to the other person when they are upset with you? Do they listen to you when you are upset? Do you make yourself clear when discussing problems? Some people can’t get past pointing the finger and passing the blame onto the other person. This is counterproductive. It will get you absolutely nowhere and will just make the situation worse. There are two people in any relationship and both share the responsibility for the success of that relationship. Do you know how to compromise? Every relationship demands a certain amount of compromise. You give a little, the other person gives a little. Do you expect the relationship to always be equal in every way? Not a good idea. No relationship is equal in all ways or at all times. One person sacrifices for the other’s good and vice versa. Can you both see the same priorities in your relationship? Are your value systems in sync? If they’re not, can you find a middle ground, or can you simply accept the other person’s viewpoints?
If you can’t think critically about a troubled relationship, you may need to consult with a therapist, possible one who can mediate the situation between both of you and help you both develop a clear picture of what has gone wrong and how to fix it. Not all relationships will survive, with or without a therapist. And, there is always the possibility that one or both of you is too badly damaged and needs one-on-one counseling to deal with old baggage that occurred before or outside the relationship. But, on the bright side, therapy really can help, and throwing a relationship away should be a last resort option. It is a rare relationship that can’t be saved with a little work and critical thinking to find the solutions.
