by Joelle Steele
I generally try to avoid conflict, but that’s not always possible or even realistic. There’s a problem and it has to be resolved. But with some people, trying to resolve even the most minor problem is almost impossible. Over the years, I’ve realized just why that is: They never learned how to stick to the topic and look for a solution or a simple compromise.
I first came into conflict with someone in the 1980s when I was managing residential properties in southern California. I learned so much about conflict and compromise during that time. I ran into countless people who didn’t know how to fight fair. They just couldn’t seem to stick to the subject long enough to resolve an issue, to arrive at a compromise. My most combative and therefore problematic tenant was Lila. Here’s roughly how our first of many similar conversations went:
Me: Lila, your neighbor contacted me about your dog …
Lila: She has a dog too . . .
Me: Lila, she says your dog is barking …
Lila: Of course she barks, that’s what dogs do . . . She doesn’t clean up after her dog.
Me: Lila, she says your dog’s barking is keeping her awake at night.
Lila: So talk to her about getting a pooper-scooper.
Me: Lila, she is not my tenant. You are. You have a rental agreement that …
Lila: Look at that mess, right there, see it, that’s her dog, not mine.
Me: Lila, this isn’t about her dog. It’s about your dog. I need for you to …
Lila: (slams the door in my face).
The problem with Lila was that she couldn’t stick to the topic of her own dog’s barking long enough to address that problem and resolve it. In a relationship I was in during the early 2000s, I found myself in a similar situation early on:
Me: Could you please not leave your dirty dishes in the living room?
Him: Well you left your dirty towels on the bathroom floor this morning …
Me: I left them there because the hamper was full and I’m doing laundry later …
It was at that point that I realized neither of us was not sticking to the topic and so I ended that potential conflict immediately, and we talked about sticking to the topic, which stopped this kind of thing from happening again. Be specific and stick to the subject so that you can both address the problem or misunderstanding without bringing up unrelated issues from the past. This gets you to the root of one specific problem so that you can look for a solution or compromise, and compromise is usually the best way to solve a problem. Most arguments arise because it’s impossible to always agree 100% with another person about everything. So, depending on the kind of conflict, you may both have to agree to disagree. Sometimes it’s just about listening to and trying to understand the other person’s feelings or perspective. In other instances, you may both need to do a little give and take to arrive at a solution you can live with. But to arrive at a solution, you have to learn to fight fair and stick to the topic.
